Beverly

Dear Joan,

In January 2013 I decided I was going to get some of my health issues in order. This year I needed to have my endoscopy, colonoscopy, and my mammogram. I went for routine mammogram (which I had not had for about 5 years). When they did my mammogram they noticed a area of concern, so immediately I had an ultrasound of my left breast. I have been a nurse since 1979 and I didn't really think much about it, I thought they were just being cautious. My wonderful medical doctor called me the next day and said I had an appointment with a surgeon because the mammogram was abnormal. I work at the hospital so I requested a copy of the report so I could see what it showed. When I saw the report I just went numb, no fear no emotional just stunned. I showed it to my boss, who happens to be my best friend, we both were speechless with tears in our eyes. The next day I had a biopsy done. Still I am numb not think to much about it. He said he would see my in the office on Friday. Again I decided I better get a copy of the biopsy before I went to the doctor. My boss and I reviewed the report. Now we both are getting a little scared. I ask her to go with me to the surgeon for a second pair of ears. My surgeon was a wonderful man. He is soft and kind and looked very uncomfortable when he came in to the room. I felt so bad for him that I interrupted him as he was telling me about the biopsy, so he knew I had seen the results. This helped him to be able to talk to me. He was going to tell me about the results and then have be come back on Monday to discuss the options. But since I already knew, he discussed the options that day. I was set up with a plastic surgeon that afternoon, and was to come back Monday morning. When I ask him what he would do if it was his family, he hesitated and said I will tell you on Monday after you have made your decision. So the weekend began, first I had to tell my family, my two beautiful daughters, and my 78 year old mother. I am raising my 7 year old grand daughter who I did not want to know the word "Cancer". My oldest daughter Jamie lives with me and she said it was the worst weekend watching me try to make the decision. What a amazing family I have been blessed with they did not give me their opinion, they said it had to be my decision and they were with me whatever I decided. You see I am strong and I am the one that that helps everyone else with their problems. I talked it out all weekend. The options were lumpectomy, left mastectomy, or bilateral mastectomy.

Well when he said bilateral I though that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Why on earth would I have a breast removed when there was nothing wrong with it. After thinking through I was leaning for left mastectomy. On Sunday evening I thought I had made my decision and I said out loud "Why would I not have a bilateral mastectomy" I want to live. So the journey began. Life you and most people diagnosed with cancer, we could right a book. The emotional roller coaster that we travel during the treatment phase is like no other. I choose the bilateral and reconstruction. At this point we weren't really sure about the follow up treatment. The surgery it's self didn't go as we would have liked. The breast tissue started to necrosis (die) and I had to return to surgery to have the necrosis removed. I am pretty tough, but this was almost more pain than I could stand. Recovery started and I went to the oncologist. This time my mother went with me. He started telling me about the treatment I was going to have to have because I am triple negative. I called and went back to see the plastic surgeon. The spasms in the breast area and the pain was not getting much better. I felt I could only deal with one thing at a time, so he agreed and we had the implants removed. I made an appointment with my beautician and took my grand daughter. She has to be included in this journey, so I decided she could help cut my hair. We had already discussed with her that I would lose my hair, but it would come back. She was amazing trying to make me look beautiful. Chemo started and went as well as could be expected without any unexpected problems. Then it was time for the Taxol which they said was a breezy. The first 2 went well but the 3rd one I was starting to have issues with my feet. I am a diabetic. They started hurting the color was dusky. All I could think of was I want to go to the beach, summer is here my grand daughter and I always go to the beach. I knew I could not drive, so I checked into the cost of flying, it would be the only way I could go. My chemo was giving me some problems with my memory and my family was worried. The financial burden of the diagnosis of "Cancer" is enormous. But for my sanity and well being I knew I need to go to the beach now. So we did. It was amazing. My feet continued to get worse. By the time I got home I had huge blisters on all of my toes. The day after we returned I showed the nurses giving me my chemo my feet. I continued to the 5th treatment and the doctor decided we would switch to Taxoterne, which I had a reaction to and ended up in the Emergency Room. So here I go again with decision. Now what, finish the last 6 treatments, possible losing my feet and ending up in wheelchair. The pain was pretty intense. Again I sat down with my family. Enough is enough. I made the decision to stop treatment. My oncologist was not very happy but said we will hope it was enough. My family doctor ordered a PET scan in December and it was clear. This past July was a year since my last treatment. The day they told me I had breast cancer is the day I wanted my breasts removed, they were diseased and I didn't want them. So I am 58 years old, cancer free, no breast, no implant, no bra, and very thankful I am alive. I am living my life to the fullest and enjoying every moment I have.